i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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