Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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