The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
