I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
