I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
