I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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