Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
The ass gains better be worth it
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