I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
