Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
