Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
