Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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