the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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