You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
