I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
