I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
