hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
