She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Found the puke drawer
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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