I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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