Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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