I faked an abortion last night.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize