Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
