i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
