Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
