Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
