You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
