I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
