guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
