bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize