we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
