I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
