Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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