Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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