I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
