'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
