Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
