my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
