I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
