Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
