I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
