she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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