So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
