this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
