Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
id be glad to
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
