In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize