I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize
