My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
