I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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