Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize