My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
