Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
