my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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