Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
