You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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