I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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