Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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