For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
