ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
