Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
