my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
