i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
