so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
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