Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Randomize
