my sisters under your porch take her home
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
