I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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