Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize